I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
