She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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