I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
