i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
