I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
