Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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