i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
