we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
