My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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