yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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