just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Randomize
