Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is the high leading the old right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
