After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
