walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
