I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
