i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm like, not good at living.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize