I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
