why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
