apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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