and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
