Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
