dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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