i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
