I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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