If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
