dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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