A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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