I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
