This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
