took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
