my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
