I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
