what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
