i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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