and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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