all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
