I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
