Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
