So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
