I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
