I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
