Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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