I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize