yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
