The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My pussy is not your playground.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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