I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
operation have a gay friend backfired
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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