you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
