yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
