if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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