everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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