I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
