im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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