I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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