I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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