She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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