is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
