Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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