he told me I talked like a deaf person
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
