can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
